I don't bother too much with the celebrity drama that's supplied regularly by the likes of US Weekly and ... well, I don't even know the names of the magazines. But, like a lot of people who are otherwise uninterested in all of that who's-seeing-whom stuff, I couldn't help notice the story about singer Chris Brown allegedly smacking around singer Rhianna, his apparent girlfriend. Nasty stuff, but the worst part was when Rhianna made it known she would give the guy another chance. Bad idea, we heard from a number of other celebs, including Oprah. He'll just hit you again, they said. Domestic violence statistics suggest they're correct.
Then I got this letter to the editor. I can't use it, because the author, a 70-ish woman who is well known to readers of the editorial page, asked that her name not be used. Anonymity opens up a big can of worms, so I had to reject her letter. But, since the rules on this blog are different, I'll share it.
"If women in relationships that even hint at violence are not paying attention to the situation with Rhianna and her 19 year old boyfriend, it's time they did. As a woman of over 70, I experienced spousal abuse in my late 30s in a second marriage. It wasn't anything I did. We had a serious problem and I suggested that the two of us pray about it (he was a church leader and director of a non-profit volunteer group - an upstanding, highly respected man).
"Bowing my head, I suddenly felt an arm around my neck and I was being pulled up and slapped with an open hand in the face until I thought I would pass out. When he stopped he said, "I'd throw you out that window but you are not worth going to jail for." I went to work the next day with a huge black eye (and some bruises that didn't show) and one of my co-workers asked what happened. He said, "Did your husband hit you?" I answered with, "No, one of the kids opened the car door in my face." Women always make excuses.
"This was a long time ago. This was before batterers could be put in jail. I had never experienced violence, but I knew it was something I never wanted to endure again. I filed for divorce (at which time he swore he would see me and my children in the street — that didn't happen). I made it on my own. My children grew up to be decent people. He promised over and over that it would never happen again. From what I hear, they all say that.
"Pay attention, ladies. No one deserves this and you shouldn't risk it happening again.
"And by the way, this wasn't in Bakersfield so don't try to figure out who "Anonymous" is. Thirty years ago is a long time but the memory of this event has haunted me forever. Don't risk it.
— Anonymous."
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Terrific letter and an even better lesson. Particularly those of us who are fathers of girls ... we need to raise 'em strong and confident and willing to walk away at the first hint of abuse...
ReplyDeleteWow... That's terrible. But she's right. It happens all the time. I remember one of my friends telling me her own experiences with a long-term boyfriend. She eventually left him and moved on, of course, she did have to get the police involved. But I remember her telling me how she would make up excuses at first to justify the abuse. "I shouldn't had bothered him at that time." "He has other things on his mind." "I deserved it." See, there's not only physical abuse going on. There's also the psychological abuse that keeps the victim down and believing that she is nothing without them. I am just lucky that I had such strong grandmothers who I admired and modeled after. I remember my grandpa wouldn't dare snap at my grandma or she'd snap right back at him or even chase him around to slap him on the shoulder... Of course it was all in fun and in the end, he'd only mess with grandma to tease her... They had a strong relationship built on trust and respect and that's where a lot of these other relationships failed. The partner doesn't see their companion as a equal and that's where the trouble begins.
ReplyDeleteThose stories give me the chills. I'm always impressed by the women who are willing, able, and clear-sighted enough to leave before it gets worse.
ReplyDelete-- Andrea