Swine flu news: Special panic edition

From this week's Biggest Best Latest Loudest awards:

Highest-Ranking Foot-in-Mouth Award: Vice President Joe Biden, who told the “Today” show Thursday he’d advise family members to avoid airplanes, subways and other “confined” places to avoid catching the H1N1, or swine flu — even while others in the Obama administration were trying to tamp down the growing (and ill-founded) hysteria. Biden’s office almost immediately issued a statement saying that the vice president meant that sick people should avoid those places.

In a related story, Americans agree that logically impaired people should avoid speaking.

Painful-to-Watch Clarification Award: Homeland Secretary Janet Napolitano, who had to ask for a do-over last month, too, after a leaked Homeland Security report suggested that returning Iraq veterans might be potential risks to foment domestic terrorism. This time, faced with the Biden gaffe, she was compelled to reiterate the government’s travel policy: Carry on.

In a related story, Napolitano’s title has been changed Secretary of Apologies.

Best Headline We Could Never Get Away With Using: "Swine Flu Conspiracy — The Aporkalypse,” from an undermedicated (or densely sarcastic) conspiracy blog, ahrcanum.wordpress.com.

But What About Mad Cow Disease? Award: You get swine flu from pigs, right? What? Oops. That’s our impersonation of America, after realizing that one has nothing to do with the other. Don’t believe anyone could actually be that silly? Tell it to the National Pork Producers Council, which says the industry has taken an $18 million hit since the influenza outbreak. Pork folk blame the “inaccurate” name.

“It is not a ‘swine’ flu, and people need to stop calling it that,” said Dave Warner of the pork council. The World Health Organization announced it would instead refer to the illness as “H1N1 influenza A,” which is not nearly as catchy — but then that’s the pork council’s point, isn’t it?

Best Attempt at Out-Bidening Biden: Israel’s deputy health minister, Yakov Litzman, a member of the Jewish state’s ultra-religious party, who said earlier this week that the name “swine flu” should not be used because it contains the name of the animal banned by Judaism. He suggested “Mexican flu,” which won him no friends in Mexico. Clarification time: “Israel has no intention of giving the flu any new names. It was nothing more than a slip of the tongue,” said an unidentified government official who almost certainly was not Janet Napolitano.

Hammiest Twitter of the Week: Steve Mullen of The Commercial Dispatch of Columbus, Miss., who had the gall to announce: “Inoculated self against swine flu by eating three pounds of bacon.” Seems like a marketing opportunity the pork council ought to be considering.